Does God care?

by Christi Cole

“Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy.” ~Psalm 126:5

Does God care that I am hurting this much?  Does He care enough to remove my reproach? I asked that question a hundred times in the months following the loss of our baby boy, Micah—a loss that rocked me to the core. During the subsequent deployment of my husband, Jeff, to Iraq, I continued to grapple with questions about God’s concern for my suffering in the most dry, barren place I have ever experienced.

As I withered in that desert, it seemed that everyone around me flourished—at least in the way that I wanted to flourish. Every week a new pregnancy announcement flew across my Facebook newsfeed. Each one increased my feelings of rejection, dejection, and barrenness.

I won’t lie. I felt sorry for myself a lot during those months. But I also searched. I read personal accounts of miscarriage, infertility and loss in general. Hannah (from 1 Samuel) and the psalmist became close friends. I discovered how others had gained amazing perspectives about God through personal suffering, not to mention a depth of compassion they might not have known otherwise.  I found my own compassion deepening, and I found myself drawing near to God because I needed HIM.

Around that same time, my husband and I began to discuss adoption. We had felt the Lord calling us to adopt before, but Jeff had been hesitant to begin the process. Now he was completely on board. I spent the last two months of his deployment gathering the necessary paperwork for our adoption home study.

We were off and moving. Progress felt good. There were still moments when I questioned this path, moments when I still longed for another child through birth as well as one through adoption.  Was I crazy?

January 2012 found us reunited (Jeff returned from Iraq at Christmas) and meeting with our adoption social worker to complete our home study. We were excited about adopting a little boy from South Korea. In my excitement about growing our family through adoption, the sting of others’ pregnancy and baby news lessened.

Like many international adoptions, ours was met with one setback after another, primarily delays in Korea’s adoption process.  Finally, the process started moving again. Then, in late April, over two months after our home study documents had been approved by our agency, we met with yet another impediment—a request to complete an FBI background check. Though we were told the results would take ten business days, we were still waiting for them a month later.

During the months of waiting and setbacks, I found myself vacillating between wanting to get pregnant and just wanting to see movement in the adoption process, but God seemed to be slamming both doors in my face.  Though I stayed busy with adoption fundraising and pretended all was well, I was struggling, mired in self-pity and sinking into depression.

The Tuesday after Memorial Day, we finally received some good news: our agency would take our file off of “hold” even without the FBI background results (they discovered it was unnecessary after all).  The very next day, we received the photo of an eight-month old boy to consider for adoption.  Ten days later, while waiting to receive additional information about his medical condition, I took a pregnancy test on a whim “just to rule it out.” It was positive.

What can I say? I am still utterly amazed!  I don’t know why God chose to work in the way and timing that He did, but I do know that He prompted others to pray for us during that barren season. One lady was led to pray specifically for our baby, and she didn’t even know that we wanted one.  She prayed for over a year. Then at the “Be the Woman God has Called you to be” Women’s Conference in Louisville Kentucky, Sue Detweiler called me out and prayed for me to conceive a child.

God answered the prayer of our hearts! I am truly amazed that He cared so much for me that He spoke to others to pray over us. He did care and He does care. He can take the dead, barren places in our lives and make them burst forth with life.

Christi Cole is a stay-at-home mom in Berea, KY. She and her husband, Jeff, have a three year-old daughter and another daughter due in February. They still hope to adopt a little boy in the near future, if that is God’s plan.